Stages of greif

Over the last few days I have gotten the feeling that people got the feeling that I expected Zach to be the same old Zach. That he would be doing everything he was before.

That is far from the truth. I hear people tell me at least he is alive, talking, home or remember he just had surgery.

While all that is VERY true and I feel so blessed to have those things, there is more to it.

From the very beginning of Z's life I have always prepared myself for the very worst possible outcome.

I still HAVE to do that. It's not something that I can just skip and move forward.

In this case, I prepared to watch my son die. I know that sounds horrible, but there was a reason for it. I have to go through the emotions and feelings so that if it did happen I wouldn't be blindsided. There has been many times when I have not been prepared and was hit with so much grief and heartache I was not able to function.

It also helps me celebrate the little things my children do. We cheer and clap as they poop or burp or sit up. It allows me to take a step back and really be able to see the hand of the Lord in our lives.

I also go through the stages of grief all the time. When Z was born we grieved the child, pregnancy, and normalcy that should have happened. This weekend I grieved the little boy who was taken away.

Everything I have ever known in my 33 years of life has gone out the window. The way we did things in my home has to change. EVERYTHING. This doesn't just affect me and Zach, but it affects Emily more.

She is struggling. She has been tossed from house to house, no routine. Everything about her home has changed. Where she sleeps, plays, eats, and watches tv. Then there is the fact that everytime zach had a seizure she didn't know if he would come home alive.

She was so scared for this surgery to happen. She was scared her brother wouldn't be the brother that she has known. Thankfully he is, but she is still struggling. She has been very sweet and helpful with him. She loves her brother so much!

I have been grieving for my daughter and the chaos she lives in. I am thankful and so blessed to have the outcome we have received.

Give me a day or so to grieve and I will be back to my happy self.

I wouldn't nor have i ever let this grief get in the way of taking care of my children. EVER! They will always come first. If you know me well enough, you know that's true.

Kisses...

When I found out that this surgery was really happening I was so worried Zach wouldn't recognize me.

Then I was told that it was happeneing SO fast AND that he would lose his speech altogether I was so devistated. People told me to start teaching him signs again, however, he would also lose the use of his right hand and arm. 90% of signs require the use of both hands. I know that I could have let him make up his own signs, he did that for a really long time. I have found it so difficult for him to communicate to others that are not around him all the time. Sitting with someone for a half hour just showing them what signs he did was so frustrating. Most of the time they would just give up and Zach would end up sitting in a corner doing his own thing.

I wanted to make sure that when Zach was coming out of the sedation I could do something special to let him know I was there. I talked about our song.. It has come in handy the last 4 days. When we sing that song, I sing the lines and he sings the last word of the line. It's fun to hear him sing it.

The other thing we started doing was kisses. We give kisses all the time. Zach leans towards your face.. Puckers his cute lips and says.. MWAH! This makes me smile even typing it. I wanted to do some more than just "regular kisses."

I got an idea one afternoon, Eskimo and Butterfly kisses!!

So for those of you who don't know what those are... a quick lesson..Ready GO!

Eskimo Kiss....
    An Eskimo Kiss is a kiss that does not involve the lips. In an Eskimo Kiss two people rub their noses together gently.

Now Butterfly kiss....
   A Butterfly Kissess that does not involve the lips. It is when two people put their eyes close to each other and flutter their eyelashes. Think blinking really fast while pressing your face to another person.

Thus started Zach's love for kisses. Zach is funny.. He will only do things like this with very spacific people. I get most of the fun stuff, but Grandmas comes in a seriously close second.

Wow, I went off on a tangent.. sorry bout that...

I started giving him these kisses all the time. After a while he started asking for them. His favorite is the Butterfly. He says " d-ive me buhh-fy tiss. Then he points to the eye he wants it on first. We do have to make sure that both eyes get equal attention.

The Eskimo kiss was funn too..well... that is until he learned that doing them in super warp speed is funny.

After a while we made it a game. I would ask him for a kiss. He would give me a regular kiss... then he will say.. dive me buhh-ify tiss. I would then have to ask him which eye. He would point and we would get kisses. He would giggle and say.. hahahah "dat hunny" (that's funny.) Then he would ask for a "e-himo tiss." Then I would say HEY i need a REAL kiss... He would crawl over and roll his eyes at me... "mmmmwha."

A few days before the surgery he started asking people for kisses. He would randomly ask for one. He normally didn't do that. If you were leaving and didn't give him a kiss he would scream, as he crawled in light speed, "Wait...WAIT...WAIT...i'n tommin..Look at me... D-ive me a tiss...WAIT. "

Surgery day came and as we waited for the guys to come take him back he leaned over and took my hand. As he nerviously looked at me, he said mom... D-ive me buhh-fy kiss. Then it was eskimo followed by a real kiss... at that point he looked at me and said I wuh-u you mom.

As I walked back to his room in the PICU, I was nervious. After watching him respond to commands and crying. I heard this little wispering voice said.. D-i-ve me buhh-fy tiss. He had not fully opened his eyes yet. I gave him what he asked for while tears ran down my cheeks. It was one of those moments that I will never forget. After that special moment I got to hear " I wuh you mom."

I said a prayer of thanks to my Heavenly Father.  None of this would have happened with out him. I cannot take credit for this in anyway.

As I sit here in this quiet room, listening to Zach quietly talk and laugh in his sleep, I am reminded why I am here. I was given a job that I promised I would do to the absolute best of my ability. It is a job I cannot in any way give up on or give to someone else. I am the mother to 2 amazingly awesome children of God. He knew that I was strong enough to go through all that we are.

I have to remember that Zach is not the only thing in my life that is causing me stress and worry. I have a sweet and seriously beautiful daughter who needs attention that I can't give her. She is my lovey. She brings me joy and is the cause of a lot of frusterated and worried tears.

I wish I had 2 of me. One to love on Emily.. Hug and sing with her. One that could explain that when mommy leaves I will always come back. One that is so in love with her that she would do any and everything for. She makes me giggle and teaches me lessons I didn't know I needed to learn.

Sometimes is hard to understand why the Lord thinks that I am strong enough to be here... going down this pathway. The answer I remind myself of... I CAN'T be strong enough. I CAN'T do it all. If I could then I wouldn't need my Savior. I would have to rely on his love and strength. He has carried my little family for quite awhile. Only putting us down long enough to learn the lessons we need and to have the Faith to ask him for help again.

I would do this over again...this is how I have become Jenn.