Some day's Suck!

Some day's I want to punch people. 

Some times I just want to sit people down and shake them and 

say "Look what your actions have done!!"

Most days I am so grateful for the trials in my life that have helped me raise my children.

Most days I have to take a deep breath and pray that I am doing the right things with my kids.

Sometimes I have to cry because I feel helpless.

Everyday I pray.

I pray.

and I pray.

Everyday I pray that my kids won't be scarred by the things that have happened to them in their lives.

Everyday I give my children Love.

All the Love I have.

This leaves no room for anyone else to come into my life.

I am okay with that.

Most days.

I ADORE my beautiful children. 

Someday's I just need a reminder that it will all pass and I will stop hurting from all the pain 

that was caused by others. 

Someday...

School!!

Aah.... School days are back!

I am so excited to have the kids in school again

I am also kinda bummed and lonely.. 

Zach started KINDERGARTEN!!

I know... I can't believe it either!

He was nervous the first day and there was a lot of bus drama

but he LOVES it! I am so happy about his teacher and aide's.

They love him and, once again, has them wrapped around his fingers!

 Miss Emily is in 1st grade! She LOVES it. 

She is most excited about staying all day AND eating lunch there. 

She thinks that it's so awesome being able to pick what she wants to eat, because I can't tell her no!

I love her and am SO proud of her. She is reading now at a 3rd grade level. It's nice having her read to me. 

Hello!!

It looks like i'm back!! I am so excited to have my "outlet" back. I have missed sharing the amazing things that have we have been blessed with. The good AND the bad. 
Okay...
Today I am going to just write 5 things I am thankful for. I need to do this today to remind myself that things in life are simple. Sometimes the world makes things so complex and if the world would just stop, take a step back and take a deep breath I think a lot of the problems we have would a more peaceful place to live. 

1. The Gospel. There is so much I want to say with this. I have been stuck for the last 10 min trying to word my thoughts and feelings the best way... It all seems to be jumbled when i try to type it.
I have had my share of doubt and made mistakes in my life. Looking back I have noticed that the times in my life that I am the happiest are when I have faith in the gospel, my Heavenly Father, and in Jesus Christ. The Gospel has been the ONLY constant thing in my life. People and friends come and go.. trials come and go. The Lord understands the things going on. I can say he has held me and my family in the palm of his hand many many times. He does love us and wants to help if we ask. 


2. My Family. I love that we all have our own unique personalities. We have been through a lot together. My Mom has been such a great example to my over the years. She is amazing and SOO FUNNY!!! My Brothers and Sisters are people who are kind, Loving, Excepting, funny and brilliant. Things are so much fun when we are all together!


3.Emily and Zachary. When I watch them I get this sense of peace. When I think about them and the things the 3 of us have endured I know without a shadow of doubt that Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ are real and love and protect us. I have watched the Heavens open as angels have surrounded my Son. I have watched the Lords arms wrap around us as we have struggled with life, death, Pain, sorrow, and joy. They are MY miracles. I love them so much.  



4.My Home. I am so happy with where we live. It is small and gets cluttered really fast, but it is exactly where i am suppose to be.


5. Forgiveness. 




2.

Make-A-Wish....

I finally found more than half a second to do this...

Seriously this trip was MAGICAL!!

Zach keeps asking to go back to Florida.. He loved every minute if it... 

Here are some of my favorite Pictures. Enjoy!

Magic Kingdom

Zach's favorite ride was Aladdin Carpet ride. We went on it like 6 times.

Emily was in heaven. She still talks about meeting Snow White.

Zach did not take his eyes off Mickey.

Donald..

Love this pic.

Hello, what's your name? Donald Duck...I'm Bubba it nice to meet you!

Such a COOL building

This was  by far my MOST favorite day... I want to go back...

Good Bye Disney World

Away to long

What have we been up too?? Yes, life has been crazy, BUT we have had some grand adventures.

First off we finally moved! I LOVE our new place. It has the most peaceful feeling. Em and Z love it too. It's the perfect place for us.

1 week after we moved we were given a gift of a lifetime. Make a wish sent us to FLORIDA! We stayed at an amazing Villa and went to a few amazing places. I will make a post about our trip later. I wish I could post a picture to help you guess. My phone won't let me though...

Things have been pretty crazy around here. We had a great time on our "vacation". We love price and like just being away from reality for a bit. We had a bunch of appointments last week, to many.

Zach finally got his lift! Woohoo! It is a back saver for me! He loves it so much! It's nice to have it. We don't use it much right now, lack of stairs and stairs prevent that from happening.

We are currently looking for a new place to live. We are looking for a rambler. No stairs (unless they are to the basement that holds the laundry). I am excited to move! It's nice to be able to do things on MY terms. There was a purpose in living in this house. Now it's time to move forward! Yay!

Things are happy right now. I just have to get over this cold!

Vacation (sort of)

I have blogged about this place before. It truly does feel like a home away from home.

I am sure my Dad is happy that we use their home as a "vacation home."

It does feel like home here. We have started a tradition in my 3 member little family. After major events we retreat to price. I don't know why we do it, but it always happens.

It is a nice place to just be and relax. It's quiet and serene. There is no smog or loud jets flying over head. Every where you look it mountains.

I know most people don't like the drive down (hwy 6 is super scary), but I LOVE it. I think that's the part that calms me down. There is nothing like the mountains. We don't have to do anything here. I don't know why it's so relaxing to me.

Anyway, I digress, We are here and I am currently listening to my sweet Emily singing karaoke. Christmas karaoke, oy ve, I have heard the Batman version of Jingle bells a hundred times and apparently Robin changed his name to Robert.   

Don't forget the classic, Joy to the world. Listening to my almost 6 year old singing about watching her dead teacher spinning around the toilet, awesome! *sigh*

This is my life... I love it.

Thanks Grandma and Grandpa Karen!! We love it here!!!

Fun pictures!

Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure!

Enjoy!

 He is my little gangsta!


 Beautiful!

 
 My Princess!

My little froggie!

 

Look at my froggie! He is the best froggie ever!!

This is the kind of therapy we do in our house. Our awesome therapist Lisa has helped Zach have the self confidence to do what he has been able to do before. He crawls fast again and loves to be a froggie.

In the picture Zach's hands are not on the ground. He loves to do froggie.

I am so humbled by the way things have moved forward with him. I was so worried that he would never do any of the things he did before. The prayers offered in his behalf have been felt throughout this whole ordeal.

 I love my children. Being a mother is the greatest (even when it's not.)

Blogging from my phone is getting frustrating. That's the reason you haven't heard from me.

Things at our house are going well!!

Zach and Emily were both diagnosed RSV and Croup. It's been a fun few weeks for our family.

They are both at the tail end of the sickness, thank goodness.

I am so ready to be healthy and get our little family back into our normal.

Zach is doing so well. Now that his sickness is almost gone, he has become so mobile again.

He is crawling and scooting! He has climbed the stairs!!

He talks circles around me! It's AWESOME!! I am happy! We will hopefull start school again for him. I am excited to finally get him in the routine again!!

Emily is off track again, her teacher said that she is doing amazing academically. She is in the top 1% of her class. She is reading on an almost 2nd grade level! I am so proud of her. The only thing her teacher is worried about is her social skills. She says she is often "distant." Considering the things that have happened in her life, esp recently, I am not surprised! We are working on that though!

She is doing well. I have put into place some new disapline and structure. It seems to be working well!

Things are finally moving forward. I hope to start school soon too. I am changing my major. I am not quite sure exactly what it will be yet, but I have a pretty good idea!

Getting better

My favorite time of day. Right now. Waiting for my Princess to come home!
Snuggling with Mr. Bubbers (who is sounding more and more at the day goes on) and listening to said little man giggle because he keeps trying to put his finger in my nose.

That is my favorite time of this day.

Zach finally has his Zachy laugh back. The contagious one that makes you smile and laugh along with him.

He is doing really well. Surgery scar is healing well. We have an appointment to see neurosurg tomorrow. Zach's back has been giving him trouble. We will hopefully have answers about it.

Emily has started therapy. I hope that it will help her anxiety. I know this will be what we need to help her find her voice. I sure love her!

This has been quite a ride it's not over yet!

Stages of greif

Over the last few days I have gotten the feeling that people got the feeling that I expected Zach to be the same old Zach. That he would be doing everything he was before.

That is far from the truth. I hear people tell me at least he is alive, talking, home or remember he just had surgery.

While all that is VERY true and I feel so blessed to have those things, there is more to it.

From the very beginning of Z's life I have always prepared myself for the very worst possible outcome.

I still HAVE to do that. It's not something that I can just skip and move forward.

In this case, I prepared to watch my son die. I know that sounds horrible, but there was a reason for it. I have to go through the emotions and feelings so that if it did happen I wouldn't be blindsided. There has been many times when I have not been prepared and was hit with so much grief and heartache I was not able to function.

It also helps me celebrate the little things my children do. We cheer and clap as they poop or burp or sit up. It allows me to take a step back and really be able to see the hand of the Lord in our lives.

I also go through the stages of grief all the time. When Z was born we grieved the child, pregnancy, and normalcy that should have happened. This weekend I grieved the little boy who was taken away.

Everything I have ever known in my 33 years of life has gone out the window. The way we did things in my home has to change. EVERYTHING. This doesn't just affect me and Zach, but it affects Emily more.

She is struggling. She has been tossed from house to house, no routine. Everything about her home has changed. Where she sleeps, plays, eats, and watches tv. Then there is the fact that everytime zach had a seizure she didn't know if he would come home alive.

She was so scared for this surgery to happen. She was scared her brother wouldn't be the brother that she has known. Thankfully he is, but she is still struggling. She has been very sweet and helpful with him. She loves her brother so much!

I have been grieving for my daughter and the chaos she lives in. I am thankful and so blessed to have the outcome we have received.

Give me a day or so to grieve and I will be back to my happy self.

I wouldn't nor have i ever let this grief get in the way of taking care of my children. EVER! They will always come first. If you know me well enough, you know that's true.

Starting over

They warned me. I knew it was coming.

I thought I was prepared.

I have a almost 80lb infant in my home.

Today is the first day he has felt really good. Good enough to try and play.

He remembers how he was. Now he can't do those things.

Zachy is amazing. He understands so much. I hate watching him be frustrated.

I know how to do this, we have been in this place before.

You would think that in the 5 years we have been doing this, that going through the grieving process would be easier and would happen less often.

We can do this! I am ready to tackle it! Just let me cry for a day.