As much as I love this wonderful hospital and despite the fact that I owe my son's life to them, most times it is SO lonely here. Now I know there are families here that have it way worse than me, who don't get to take their kids home and some just never leave. I am a person that deals with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and OCD. Yeah all of those things. All at the same time. Being here has triggered those things to come rushing back.
I do know when my limit is and I can tell when I am falling into the pit of dispare. I have truly been blessed to know the difference in reality and crazy brain. I have a pattern, be strong, be strong, be strong, lose it all for an hour, be strong, be strong, be strong. This is how I have dealt with the hundreds of hospital stays, lifeflights, and ambulance rides. Often after I have my melt down I apologize to whom ever is there to witness it and I move on.
Today was one of those almost have a days. I say almost because every time would get close a nurse would walk in to do something to Zach. It was most annoying. We have a great night and morning. Zach slept well and the nurses were super loud. It was AWESOME! Dr. Kestel came in to check out Zach and visit with us for a bit. He looked at the drain in Zach's head and decided to clamp it (turn it off making Zach's body do all the work) for the day. He said that he tolerated it well, they would do a CT scan in the morning and then most likely take it out. We cheered. Zach did well. Because they had turned it off we were told that we could go for a walk or get out of bed!! Zach wanted something else! "Mom get in it." So I did, I was able to hold and rock and just love on my little man for well over 2 hours. He was the most relaxed and comfortable I have seen him this whole stay. It was heaven, pure heaven! He held my hand and would squeeze it to make sure I was still there.
While we were resting our Physical Therapist came in to observe Zach. I got out of his bed and she played with him for about 5 min. He successfully kicked her hands with both feet, raised both hands to the sky, gave awesome high-5's, and got from laying to sitting and from the middle of the bed to the edge all on his own!
It was fun to watch. About 3 min in he was so done. He was shaking and asking to lay down. I told her that he needed to be done, she agreed, and left. I got him layed down and he immediately pulled the blanket over his head. I talked to him for a min and told him to go to sleep. I went over to my bed and started to read. He was so fidgety. He was complaining and groaning. He could not relax. I kept reassuring him that it was okay. Twenty min later I started to really worry, I asked him what was hurting. I started to get up and ask the nurse Kyle for some pain meds. As I sat up, Zach said my head. I watched as his little head appeared over the bed rail. His face was RED, he looked like we was in so much pain. I watched as 3 little lines of fluid flowed down his face.
I FREAKED out told him to lay down. I opened the door and yelled for Kyle. It was apparent that the drain had been pulled out, but was still attached to his head by the suchers that were sewn into his head. He called for the charge nurse and she came in. They were putting gauze on his head to absorb the spinal fluid that was coming out of his head in large amounts. The resident was paged, he was at dinner with a girl, and had to come back to the hospital. When he got to our room he called for a soocher kit and some lidacane. Zach was hurting so much and was so red and just Hot to the touch. He jabbed the needle with the lidacane in it, into Zach's head to numb it. My heart was breaking into a million pieces. He only waited about 30 seconds when he started stitching the hole closed. It was then I started to cry. I couldn't watch anymore. I just held Zach's hand and head and sang to him.
The resident left the room with the nurse. They got to the nurses desk and I hear him say "Did the mother yank that tubing out of his head?" "The boy should not have be able to pull on it, the mom would have been the only one." At this point I was so depressed. I was thinking if I would not have been feeling sorry for myself this never would have happened. I should have been sitting with him, not in my bed reading. This could have been avoided. Not reality statements. Kyle our nurse came back in to check on Zach. He reassured me that it wasn't my fault and reminded me that what we just went through was happening tomorrow anyway. We just got done a day early.
I felt like I needed to explain to Kyle about the CT scan incident. There is NO WAY that I would have pulled that out. Zach hadn't even touched or tried to pull it out one time. I questioned whether the situation that happened after the CT scan could have cause the drain to be pulled out. Kyle looked at me and said he wasn't aware of such incident.
The nurse that caused the problem didn't document it in Zach's chart.
That news made me more upset. Zach is doing okay now. They say tomorrow we will be getting another CT scan to make sure his body is doing what its suppose to with the fluid that is in his head. If things look good he said that it would then be up to me do say when we are ready to go home. Although that might change seeing as though we were just told that Zach has C-diff. UGG!!!
I was trying to find my happy place. When in walked EMILY!!!!
All of a sudden my the hole that was in my heart was filled. My Lovey was back with me and I felt whole again. She is so much fun and had a hard time with seeing Zach. She hugged and hugged me. It was wonderful!
She is currently staying with her Daddy. He was nice enough to bring her for a visit, along with all the rest of his family. Then my mom came in. I just wanted our room to be quiet. That meant that Emily had to go...*sad face* She was happy because I could tell she was overwhelmed.
My mom visited with me and told me my sister and her 2 cute cute kids Saige and Kade were coming. They were going to bring me Rice Chex and milk! Thanks Meesa.
After they left I hung out with Zach holding his hand and just staring at him. I am so glad that I am in a place where I can be at his side through all of this.
There was a Knock on the door. My "adopted" parents walked in. Zach woke up long enough to say hello but fell back to sleep peacefully.
You know there is that saying "The lord puts people in your path at exactly the right time you need them?" Well that was Mom and Dad B. We were talking about Zach and his situation and how close to Christ he is. They just listened and encouraged. They cried with me and laughed with Zach. Zach was put on this earth to touch so many people. He is such an amazing blessing to people, not just me and my family.
I know I was handpicked to be his mother. That is an honor but it comes with lots of pressure some days.
Through this I have had a chance to see how many people TRULY love and care for my sweet little family.
I couldn't ask for more, because I feel like I have it all.
Oh! I'm so glad you got to love on your Emily! I have been thinking about her through all of this, too! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the scary way the tube came out, but it's OUT! Yay!