Triggers

It is just after 2:20am. Why am I up? Hmm lots of reasons. 2 of my best answers? The fact that I am currently "sleeping" in a rocker and the other triggers.

Many people have different triggers. You hear a song and you flash back to when you were 16 hangin out with your best friend. A smell, the taste of a specific food, they all can take you back to those places and your not quite sure of how you got there.

My triggers don't take me back to good places these days. I was "laying" (that word just made me laugh out loud) here trying to get some sort of sleep I was startled out by a noise. The very loud rhythmic humming of lifeflight.

Immediately I was whisked back to horrible times. My heart started beating fast my leg started to bounce and I honestly could not breathe. (Ok I was seriously ready to start my own blow by.)

Then the flashes came. Watching my sons life hang on by a very small thread, while doctors and nurses keep that thread attached. Then hearing those words "we need to get him to primary's, we have called lifeflight." I have the same stupid reaction every time. Then that sound comes. The sound that means I have to hand my son over to a stranger and I can't go with him. I can't protect him. I can't talk to him explaining what is about what is going to happen and how its going to be okay.

Then we walk outside. My hands shake and I start to cry. Forcing my self to stay put and not run and try to take him back. I give him one last kiss, and walk away. I stand there watching, watching them take off with my boy. Praying out loud please Heavenly Father hold him for me until I can get there. Then I cry harder. It's the same every time I hear that sound. Please Father, hold the person who's life is changing at that very second, until their loved ones get there.

As I hear the commotion out in the hall I open my eyes to see doctors scrambling, and the lifeflight crew whisking a hurt child down my hall way. That persons family just had the most horrific change in their life. I walk down the hall to take care of the gallons of water I drank last night. I am walking back to my room when the parents walk to their childs new home.

Oh how I just wanted to just hug them and welcome them into a club none of us wanted to be apart of. I wanted to explain how it gets better everyday even if your child doesn't. I wanted them to know that it's okay to have bad days! We are human after all.

In june of this year we almost lost my father to a motorcycle accident. He was lucky to be alive. I was reminded how lucky I am. I have tried to overcome some feelings I had towards him. Watching him fight for his life proving that he is as much of a fighter as we all thought he was humbled me. None of the other mattered anymore. I just wanted my Dad to come back to us. My family's lives started down a new road at that moment. We came together and linked our hearts with his and said "we are with you to the end Dad.

Again I watched as my family, including my amazing father and mother, linked hearts and said to me, Jenn we are here for you and Zach at whatever the cost. Then at that moment I could feel my faith getting stronger. As people fasted, prayed, and sent good healing vibes our way, I felt like I could move a mountain. I would help Zach fight for his life when he couldn't.

I hope those parents down the hall feel the same way. I have a sneaking suspicion they do, but please help me by praying for all the amazing kids in this hospital and their tired, worn out, but still having faith and hope parents.